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For All Occasions

This is my joke page with a few favorites, and a table of contents to many more.  I've found these jokes from all over the web and have compiled them here for everyone's amusement.  I've selected these jokes for their clean humor--I think they are suitable for any audience.  They are arranged in categories for any occasion--clean jokes about blondes, lawyers, politics, puns, law enforcement, education.... I will be updating them regularly so be sure to bookmark this page.  Below are a few examples from the site.  Click here to enter the main page and enjoy!

Clean Joke Number 1

Yet Another Blonde Joke

A blind guy sitting on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blond and the bouncer is blond. I'm 6' tall 200 LB and have a black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" and weighs 225 lbs and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 lbs and he's a wrestler. We're all blonde too! Think about it, do you really want to tell that blonde joke now?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times I don't."

Clean Joke Number Two

Helicopter Disaster

Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard over the radio at an airport control tower:

Helicopter Pilot: "Tower, I'm holding at 3000 over Heli-pad 1."

Second voice: "NO!!! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that pad!"

There was a brief moment of silence.

First voice again: "You idiot! You're my co-pilot!"

Clean Joke Number Three

Murphy's Laws of Combat

  1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
  2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
  3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
  4. There is always a way.
  5. The easy way is always mined.
  6. Try to look unimportant, they may be out of ammo.
  7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
  8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
    1. When you're ready for them.
    2. When you're not ready for them.
  9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
  10. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.
  11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
  12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
  13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
  14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
  15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
  16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you will not be able to get out.
  17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
  18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
  19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
  20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
  21. The blast radius of a grenade is always greater than the distance you can jump.
  22. The blast radius of a grenade is greater than the distance the average grunt can throw it
  23. When in doubt, shoot it.
  24. If you are still in doubt, empty the magazine
  25. If at first you don't succeed, call in the artillery
  26. And if that doesn't work call for an airstrike
  27. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target
  28. This one will be the dud
  29. Because of this your mortar team will always have the correct number of safety pins to prove they armed all the rounds
  30. To ensure this, the team always carries extra pins
  31. Tracer works both ways
  32. If orders can be misunderstood, they have been
  33. The quartermaster has only has two sizes, too big and too small

Clean Joke Number Four

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away)

Clean Joke Number Five

Lawyers & Engineers

A group of attorneys had to measure the height of a flag pole for evidence to support a lawsuit. They went out to the flagpole with ladders and a tape measure.

They proceed to fall off the ladders and drop the tape measure, the whole thing was just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do. He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurements to one of the attorneys and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one attorney turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer. We're looking for the height, and he gives us the length"

Clean Joke Number Six

MBAs vs Lawyers

Three MBAs and three lawyers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three MBAs buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an MBA.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three MBAs cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the MBAs on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the MBAs don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an MBA.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three MBAs cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the MBAs leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Enter CleanJokes

There are many more clean jokes in the following pages, and more will be added regularly.  Bookmark this Page!

(Side note:  I found these jokes all over the web--I do not believe any of them are copywritten.  If they are I will remove them as soon as I hear of it. With that said, enjoy CleanJokes).
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